I don't want to write this tonight.

But I'm going to. I sit here crying my eyes out while the rest of my house sleeps...they all slumber peacefully and I'm not.

I miss my brother. Damn....I miss him so much. It's unexplainable.

The Fall is upon us...which means so is he. Everything about Fall reminds me of him.

His smell is in the fall. His love is in the fall. His smile is in the fall. His sniffling nose is in the fall. His cold face is in the fall.

I just can't even bare the thought that life has moved on for YEARS! YEARS...without him. It almost pisses me off. To think that so many grieved with us....I can't even say it.

I'm mad. I'm mad about it tonight. I'm mad about the way it ended. I'm mad about the last time I saw him...why didn't I speak with him more. Why didn't I hug him again. Why didn't I ask him to stay again.

I'm sorry this isn't as upbeat as my morning just hit me. I can only hold for so long before I blow. Tonight I blew. I blew with anger and sorrow and sweet thoughts all at the same time. It hits me like a massive wave against rocks.

I miss him. Period.


Anne said…
Thinking of you. I feel this way about my aunt every now and then. Totally know how you're feeling. Hang in there. Tomorrow/Today will be a better day!
Rachel said…
I am so sorry Alicia.

I can imagine feeling the same way if something happened to one of my siblings.

Joey's mom died in the fall 5 years ago and everything seems to come back to it this time of the year. I know it's no where near the same because she wasn't to me as Zach was to you, but I am sorry.

I know it's silly because I didn't know Zach that well, but just reading this post makes me miss him. He had such a contagious personality and light in him. I like that you still write about him. Even the hard stuff.

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