Lawdy it goes

I can't not say my feelings right now.

My brother died in a car accident a few years ago when he was 23 year old. It was a rural road...there were no other drivers...he and his friend both passed alcohol or drugs were just happened.

He had spent a big portion of his adult life fighting an addiction. His life had brought him through the ringer even before that. But...He turned to God...went to Teen Challenge and got a new chance at life. I remember visiting him in treatment. I had 2 children then...visiting a treatment center. That's an odd feeling... But it was my whom I had missed for a couple of years as he fought for his life to get out of this addiction. And then it happened.

He had accomplished getting clean. He decided it was time to get outta here and make a new life. So he followed one of his dreams...went to North Dakota and worked on a working ranch! He was guiding hunting trips, working the farm and doing all of the game hunting he wanted. He was in heaven. It was away from his old problems, he had his hunting and his ATV toys. He was Zach again....and we all loved it.

Can I talk about the last time I saw him? It's it's tough...but it's burned in my memory like it was just yesterday. I wish it was.

He had made the trek home twice in about 6 weeks. One time...he actually chartered a private jet to fly in for my dad's birthday! What a son! Through everything...He knew how much we all loved him and he was finally getting the chance to show us how much he loved us.

Anyhow...he then came home again...alone. His first stop was my house. Everyone else was at work...I was home with my babies. I had baby #3 then and was just hanging out at home. And now...I was hanging out at home with my babies and my brother. It was fantastic to see him. He was healthy and strong...he was happy! He had broken up with a dramatic girlfriend...and he was ready to focus on himself.

He then did a typical Zach thing. He grabbed some Doritos...a glass of milk and went to watch a movie with my kids. They put in "Cars" and all 3 snuggled up on the couch. I remained upstairs cleaning and doing my stuff. After a bit, he came up and I stood in front of the stove, while he was 5 feet away sitting in a chair.

He always kissed us...his sisters that is. ALL the time. He loved to show his affection...especially when he knew it would bug you. As kids he would use it as a an adult...well I guess he still did. Sometimes it just got old. But that day...for some reason I didn't feel that way. I loved it...almost cherished the kiss he gave me. That was divine. I was busy, tired and overwhelmed with life, but I cherished him that day. As we talked I connected with him...for over an hour. It was an amazing time. And that was it.

The next time I saw him my knees were weak and I could barely breath. I couldn't felt literally like the end of the world. But ya know...I can't do this part. I have to skip it..

The next thing I know we are planning and having his funeral. It was at our church....and that church has literally NEVER been more full than it was that day. There was not even standing room in doors. It was overwhelming to see how many people changed their plans, took their night and spent it supporting us and Zach's life.

This morning in church that was all I could think about...where people were standing...where the coffin was...who was there. It was tough.

What's also tough is that I happen to be tough. People don't expect me to fall apart. People almost...don't allow it. So I don't. But I wanted to. I WANT to.

I'm mad. Mad that I can't stand in front of that stove again and just stand there...thinking about him. I get so bummed that there are things that he will never experience...but then I know that it's really a selfish desire to experience them with him.

I hard as I can to relate my children to his life. To allow them a portal somehow...but with so few, if any, memories...its tough to do for them.

Man...I really just don't even know how to express my feelings about it. I'm frustrated...I'm mad...I'm so so so sad.


Anne said…
thinking of you!
Katie said…
thank you for sharing your painful story, and may God grant you peace and comfort:)
Ehlan said…
Praying for you Alicia; the road to healing is long, but God will give you strength! Peace for you today!

Popular Posts