In a cruel twist of fate, this morning I was faced with reality. Let me back up and start at the beginning.
Well it's been six weeks, so as usual I was scheduled to see the Dr. today at 3:45pm. However, they called this morning to see if I could come in earlier as there was a cancellation. My babysitter agreed and in I went at 10:30am fully prepared to discuss prevention options. I was quickly called in and undressed as instructed and sit there, covered by my comfortable paper sheet, waiting for my Dr.. A few moments later a light knocking on the door and the nurse re-entered the room, "Dr. Lundeen was just called over to the hospital, would you like to wait a little while.". Thoughts of the $8.00 an hour I was paying to be there, and the unlikely chance that re-scheduling would be an easy task, caused me to say "maybe I could wait 20 minutes or so and then you could let me know if she's likely to return soon?". But we all know what that means when a Dr. goes over to the Hospital...she's delivering a baby! So over the next 20 minutes I sat there, stripped down, chilled and listening to the beautiful sound of a fetal heart monitor pounding away in the room next to me. Intermittent giggles and laughter echoed from that same room. I, in complete envy, listened and imagined the scenario that may have been playing out in that room while I waited to discuss preventing me from being that women in the near future. Why? I wanted to be there...I want to be the one that the Dr. is rushing to deliver...the one experiencing the heart tones for the first time.
So after the 20 mins. had passed the Dr. was still gone (because who in the world delivers a baby is 20 mins?....) and I had decided to re-schedule. Lo and behold my original 3:45pm was still available and so was my babysitter. I returned at 3:45 to see the Dr. and found myself amidst another ironic situation. There I lay...awkward moments that we have all had. That's when she asks the question "Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?"..."NO" I said, "why?". Apparently there was something that pointed her to that conclusion (that I will not discuss in detail in respect for any male readers this blog has). "Are you sure?" she asked..."I am positive!" I respond. "SO you're telling me if you were it would be immaculate conception?", and at this point I am wondering if I had been chosen! "I am telling you it would definately be a miracle if I was pregnant!". It turned out I am not pregnant *sigh*...but she was surprised: I was dissapointed!
You see I am at a standstill. My husband believes we may be done...I wish otherwise. However I have to say, he is my husband and I will feel immensely blessed if our family of 6 is complete. I respect his reasons and know that he is the parent who misses more than I. I do, however, hope that in the next 4 months or so to know for sure if this was it. For now all of the pregnant beauties walking around, little tiny babies crying, and cruel irony of life will just be part of the decision process. So bring it on...show me those bellies...let me hear the babies crying and remember the 4 miracles of life I have been blessed with!