My Dearest Brother

Ok this will probably be a little heavy for some of you so...stop reading. But I am constantly thinking of my amazing little brother who passed away about a year ago and have just been brought to my knees today! This is how is happens you see...God allows me (THANK YOU JESUS) to ignore my feelings and supress my sadness for some time until he knows I have a quiet moment (not physically quiet b/c right now sylvi is yelling in the background about everything that she wants) that is perfect in His time for me to greive. SO here I sit..just checking up on my email yada yada...and am overcome with emotion! Some of you may ask if it's because it's almost been a year (he died Jan. 14, 2007)...but my answer is a resounding NO! Yes that makes it reality again and again, but it doesn't make the 3rd or the 25th any easier! He was my dearest baby brother for 25 years almost and that will never be reduced to one day of real grief. For me the easiest way to explain that is that you don't only think of your friends on their birthday (well most of them anyway....hehehe), so why would an "anniversary" of types define when I grieve? So instead there are random days when Jesus brings me to my knees to a thought/smell/look/rememberance that I hadn't thought of in a while. That's what gets me....

Today that rememberance is that last day I saw him...when he was here at my house and I was sitting right here in this same spot as he came up the basement stairs after watching "cars" with Lilly. he came up to get something...anything to eat...he was grazing as he always does! Lucky for him I had doritos and milk (his fav snack). Lilly was ecstatic that these things were not only allowed but allowed downstairs on the COUCH no less!

Anyhow...I won't go into the thousands of tiny details I remmber from that day...but it was all special. Down to the kiss he gave me before he left. And today I am hoping to remember that our God is bigger than this and that some day....not today obviously, but someday I will fine it easier to think of him and not break down. And I know this sounds stupid...but bear with me...I am going to include a little message to him this morning...(yes I am aware he won't be able to read it...but I know that God honors my true feelings/intentions and may find it in his amazing love to share that emotion with my brother).

Zachy- Please know that everytime I look into the eyes of my children i see a glimpse of you! Not becacuse they look like you (although Finn oftentimes acts like you), but because I love them soooo much and it reminds me how lucky I am to have them. We were so lucky to have you for 21 years. I know you had your ups and downs...but all is forgiven from God and you were forgiven from us the moment it happened! The kids miss you, I miss you and can't wait to someday see you in your true beauty.

Just a crazy example of God showing me you know this...Finn just walked out of his room for the morning...and you know how we all (especially grandma) called you "handsome" almost as it was your name. Well I was just going to type something about that and then Finn came into the room and lilly says "hey handsome buddy!". Thank you Lord for relaying on our behalf!

Zach...we miss you...can't wait to see you someday! Our lives are forever changed, not by your death, but by your amazing testimony of a life! You mean the world to us.


Ehlan said…
Thinking of you--prayers of strength today!
Ashley said…
al, my dearest sister -

i'm so glad this blog came along for you when it did, just as it should have.

it continues to amaze and bless me that i have a family in all of this who is speaking my language, who know the deepest mysteries of a loss like this with no explanation needed.

your rememberance, as all of ours seem to do from that time, immediately lead into one of my last *moments* with him. we were on the phone while he was driving back to ND and he told me "i think i could watch "Cars" with Lilly forever."

I'm honored and humbled to be your sister, by your side through EACH day of this life that has been forever changed.

big love.
Thank you for sharing your most deepest, hurting parts of your soul with us! I love you! miss
Rachel said…
Alicia. Thank you for posting this. What a beautiful and simple memory of Zach. I am praying for you and your family.... always.
Jessi Lee Sanz said…
Leash I thank god and pray for you and your family everyday and how awesome will it be when we are all together one day!! I love you!
Rue said…
Lecka Lou,
I love you. Those words you wrote were so awesome. If there's anything please let me know what I can do, I'd give anything to take all our pain away. Miss you guys. Talk to you soon. Kiss those babes!!

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