Dreary again.

Not only in the weather...but my attitude seems to be a bit "dreary" lately. It's not because I am sad or unhappy or even ill contented. It's just a state of being that I am in....contributors? The weather and lack of sun for sure, the sense of isolation that I feel whilst being home with my children, a confusion about things and ideas I have floating in my brain that never ceases to be thinking.....and so on.

You see I have this list. A list of things. Things that I want to do and thing that I need to get done. But what comes first? And then there are the non-listed things. The things that just come at you sporadically and all at once. Like diapers that need changing. Scrapes that need kissing. Tears that need wiping. Smiles that need laughter. Kindness that needs praising. Sharing that deserves attention. Conversations that need responses. All of these amazing duties that I have that lend little time for the other list....the written list. But who's to say the things on the written list are not as important? Quite frankly some of the written items are commitments. Things I said I would do. And I will....but when? Some of the things are things I said I would do that I don't want to do. Or at least right now. Some are things I truly enjoy and become fulfilled by, but just haven't the time right now. Then...there are some that are futile and possibly a bit unnecessary. Those....yes, Those will have to wait for sure.

I have some ideas. Some creative ideas (yes, those come very few and far between for me) that I am dying to see through to fruition. These ideas could even become more than just ideas. They could become income! They could become livelihood. But where will I find the time to fit this in? How do I know if it is important enough to squeeeeeeze in?

So I am then, in these dreary days, stuck in a rut. A rut of pacing with baby after baby in my arms....watching the world pass outside. And without a free hand or arm to reach out I am stuck. Don't misunderstand. I have connections to this...the outside world. I just don't always feel like I do. Today is that day. Even though when I look at the calendar I see 2 dates in the next 3 where I will make a connection. Today, well...it just doesn't feel like it.

I will, as I always do, get done what needs it. I will, as I usually do, try not to fret about that that doesn't make it off the checklist. And I will, as I try, to look forward to the next moment and hour for I never know what will come next. Rewarding or challenging....here it comes! Ready or not!


raggedy ash said…
ready or not, here i come, you can't hide {insert lauryn hill song here}

can i be one of your outside world connections someday soon too?

your idea from the other day is firmly planted in my head and i am exhilirated by the possibilities for you...because truly, if ANYONE can do it, it's you. not to be cliche or anything, it's just true.

big love.
ash xoxo
4under3 said…
Oh, deary. The inability to skip out the door for a walk down the street has definitely put a kink in our day too. If only those snow days would come soon. And then stick around. I think it would make my 4 a bit cheerier to build snowmen, or forts in the front yard.

And as for "the list." When the twins were born, I decided--and I can honestly say just now I'm feeling pretty ok about it--there were things I'm not allowed to put on the list. Take for example cleaning. Unless we're expecting company, or the toilet hasn't been cleaned in weeks--I did say weeks--I try to focus my attention on 1)the children and 2)things I like to do. I find that if I've done some things I enjoy, I don't feel so stuck in the mundane.

And, really, if that doesn't do it for me, I replay the idea of Norah and Hazel running out the door to college. That makes me want to just sit on the floor with them and do nothing but tickle their toes.

If only we were neighbors. I know I've said it before. But we could really pump eachother up then, huh?!

Hope you're feeling less dreary, deary.


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