Held out...


It's times like this where the busyness of life slows for 2 seconds and allows my mind to linger on a thought. Todays thought, a lot of days thoughts, are on my brother. I find myself completely caught off guard..why? I'm not sure, b/c I always feel it coming about a week or so earlier. I feel the emotion begin to well up...so much so that a moment left untouched and pure becomes and emotional exchange with God about how I cannot do this right now. He always assures me I can and continues to press. My reply is again the same....I cannot do this right now. And the day is gone. The moment is gone, but the emotion is still there; right below the surface waits a tear, that if let shed will follow by hundreds, dare I say thousands more!

Well todays the day....5:04 was the moment and so it continues. I desperately search for a picture to match the emotion as my children ask me "mommy why are you sad?", "mommy why are you crying? Don't cry!". This is so frustrating; I just want to communicate how I feel and I can't. I can't find words, images, feelings or actions to express it...not even to a 1,2 & 3 year old! So the questions continue: "Mommy we'll go see him in a couple of days ok?", "Mommy he'll come over in just a few minutes ok?!". How I wish it were just that easy and that was all true, but they're not and again I ask...how to explain this all to a 1, 2 & 3 year old? Life is much harder than I ever imagined. This is the honest truth.

I imagined I would have hardships, heartaches, milestones, celebrations, creations and many more things....but nothing compares to the feelings and emotions I have experienced in the past year and a half. I know I know...I'm still in the midst of it...it'll get better right? Once I grieve it'll get better? When it's been just a little longer it'll feel better? Sure. Sure it will.

But until this so called day comes...I will be sad. I will have to figure out how to explain it to the children. I will have bad days...and some really bad days. But thank God I am assured I will also have good...really good days. And the bad will seem hard..but not as hard as if I was going through it alone...not being completely held together by something bigger than you or I.

Someday...and until then....

Comments

KO-CHO-RINA said…
seems as though we are all feeling this way today! Hug to you from me. I love you so much Al, Us girls all still have eachother and nothin is stronger than a sisters love.
Megan said…
Alicia-
When in the moment, "It'll get easier." is not accurate. It's been 15 years since my brother passed away, and I miss him desperately, now sometimes more than ever. When you go through milestones in your life, new babies, family gatherings, holidays, conversations; they all are missing one detail-your sibling. When my babies are born I cry of joy, and then sadness. I want to see, amongst my other siblings, Jason walk through the door and give me a hug. I realize it at those moments and it hits me like a ton of bricks.
So yes, the everyday moments "get easier", but long term, your attachment, and emotions do not lessen, they just come and go at different events or triggers, which are different for everybody.

One awesome thing is that my family became sooo strong out of it. My little bro, ALWAYS, tells me he loves me over the phone (he lives in Chicago), even if he is at the bar with guys, at work "with the guys", in public...It's awesome to have that connection and understanding with eachother that we may not have had before.
If you ever feel like talking, I'm here. Our experience with our brothers are not the same, but I know how it feels to talk to someone who knows a little bit more about how I am feeling. Jason died 3 days before Christmas 15 years ago, 3 days before his 18th birthday and I still can see him as vividly as if he were here with me.

Praying for peace,
Megan
Ehlan said…
Prayers for you today!
raggedy ash said…
i read koko's blog before yours today, so i'm not going to reinvent the wheel, so...
my day was last saturday. it hit me in wave after wave after wave. a song i heard, a pheasant in the field, reliving a memory i hadn't visited in a long time. i had this moment where i finally admitted to myself that the reason it was so hard for me to go to his grave was because while out and about in the world, i could trick myself a tiny bit into thinking he just isn't near me right now, but when i am there, i have to come face to face with the truth that he is physically gone from my life and that standing next to his grave is the closest i can get to him in this physical world. the amazing blessing in all of this for me is that i knew when he was alive and i know abundantly more now that he was a gift, his life was a gift, his love was a treasure. i never imagine (never COULD imagine)living without it, but here i am, here we are...on a journey of keeping it alive in ourselves and in those around us and the kids that zach touched so briefly yet deeply. you will find the strength, the words and the moments to do this for your kids and for your own healing too. i wholeheartedly believe that.

i love you big.
There is nothing I can say. I am so greatful to read your heart in words....you do such a great job of "keeping it together" so often but I am glad you have writing to help you release when you cant. You were on my heart heavy yesterday and today...thus I have been praying for you heavy. Now I know why.
jpandtheboys said…
Alicia it was wonderful to personally meet you. I have heard so much about you through Melissa. I know that hearing someone say they are sorry for your loss doesn't take your pain away. However, for what it's worth I have prayed for you off and on since I heard about your brother passing away. I think it's amazing how God works, that people who don't even know us can be praying for us.

So changing the subject. I just want to say that I know when you are in your last trimester it's hard to feel good about ourselves and I thought you looked amazing!! Congratulations with on baby #4!! :) Also, I loved your sweater. Take care, God bless. :)

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