Unfinished Business

I sat here trying to mutter the answers to questions I had hoped wouldn't come. I have hoped for a while now, well exactly 1 year and 7 months, that these questions would fall at a time I was completely prepared. I would have the perfect, spiritual yet simple answers for them.

Well this was not the case; it was in the most unprepared moment that they began. I was serving them their lunch when it just hit...the moment where the tears could no longer be held back; it was also a moment where,as a mom, there is nothing you can do but continue your labors while having your emotional moment. I went on with my duties crying softly...then a little harder. "why are you crying mommy?","mommy cying?","Mommy what's wrong?" all three with the same sentiment. I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure if I was to delve even further into the subject or to just let it lye. Should I explain what this means? Should I try to help them understand or do I leave that part to God?

She said it as if it were just no big deal. But it's a big deal to me! I know she didn't mean anything by it...she was simply stating the facts. She just said, "well papa said zachy was dead.".

This is the part where I don't know what to say.

For those of you who don't know, zachy is my brother. My brother who went to be with the Lord in January of 2007. He was in a terrible car accident and left us very suddenly.

Being that my children are so young I haven't felt the need to do much explaining at all. I have felt that God would show me the right time and words to do so. It hasn't happened...well I didn't think. But apparently He did. He had obviously given my dad, a very honest man, an opportunity to share with my baby Lilly that my brother did in fact die. For goodness sakes I haven't even been up front about our dog, Kia, dying this past December. However, as I said, God had obviously planned this.

So after Lilly said this I inquire a small bit about how that came about. Of course, as I am speaking I am crying...and they are still asking why...but I continue. You see, I want my children to know that it is completely OK to be sad and equally OK to cry. I continue to have conversation with them.

There were other questions as well...."why did he die?", "Can we go see him?". My sweet baby boy continuing to console me with "mommy, don't cry. I promise we'll go see him tomorrow OK?".

There it is. It's out...it should be easier now right? Easier to talk more about it? Then why did it take me 10 days to even finish this post?


Miss said…
As I am sitting here crying, I wish SO badly I had something of use to offer you.
I have words of comfort. No words of wisdom. No words of anything...accept I love you and, as always for the past year and 7 months...I am praying for you.
I can not even begin to imagine how you go about explaining to your babies the gut wrentching grief; the idea of heaven...so wonderful for the one that is there, so excrutiating for the ones left behind.

I am praying
Laura said…

I don't think it will ever get easier. That is the part that is hard. I will be praying for you too to find the right words from God to comfort your children and yourself.

I wish I had some magic wisdom for you also, but I still break out in spuratic tears and saddness (at bad moments!) for all the loved ones we've lost...and exspecially with my wedding being so close. I have a framed picture of Zach in my office, and that's usually brings tears when I see it. I Love ya, Alicia. God will hold your hand.

<3 Laura :)
raggedy ash said…
i'm here, trying to share in this thing like no one else can and frankly, feeling like i'm not doing a very good job at it.

loving you big.
ash <3
Anne said…
Alicia, I know words mean nothing, but I know what you are going through and it sucks. My aunt was killed in a car accident about 1 and 1/2 years ago in March out in CA...three days before I was to fly out and visit for a week. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you and am here if you ever want to talk.

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